People here in Texas have trouble with all those "shalls" and "shall nots" in the ten Commandments. Folks here just aren't used to talking in those terms. So, some folks out in west Texas got together and translated the "King James" into "King Ranch" language:

Ten Commandments, Cowboy Style. Cowboy's Ten Commandments posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Fairlie , Texas:

It's So Hot In Texas That......

*The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.
*The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
*Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.

 

It's So Dry In Texas That...

*The cows are giving evaporated milk.
*The trees are whistling for the dogs.
*A sad Texan once prayed, "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it - but for my 7-year-old."
*A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"
A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"
The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood." "Well," the rancher puffed up, we got about two and a half inches of that."

 

You Know You're In Texas When...

*You no longer associate bridges (or rivers) with water.
*You can say 110 degrees without fainting.
*You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
*You can make instant sun tea.
*You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
*The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
*You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
*You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
*You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
*Hot water now comes out of both taps.
*It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
*You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
*You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.
*No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.
*Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
*You realize that asphalt has a liquid state!

Editor Note: Would you believe an Ex-Texas moved to Washington State sent me this information? We know Texas gets hot, but what do you expect from someone that calls husky country home?
 

A TEXAN'S GUIDE TO LIFE

1. Don't squat with your spurs on.

2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back in.

4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

6. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...........
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

7. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

8. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

9. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

10. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

11. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

12. Always drink upstream from the herd.

13. When you give a lession in meaness to a critter or a person, don't be suprised if they learn their lesson.

14. When you're thowin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

16. There are three kinds of men:

The one that learns by reading.
The few who learn by observation.
And the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
 

Other Links

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